December 24. Christmas Eve. The night millions of children (and some adults) around the globe are tucked soundly into their beds (with visions of sugarplums…okay, you get the point) with the hopes that all their good behavior throughout the year will pay off with a visit from that mythical bringer of good cheer (and toys!), Santa Claus.

Or Father Christmas, Pere Noel, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, Grandfather Frost, etc. etc., depending on what part of the world you live in.

But they’re all just different names for the same person - the man that we all recognize as an iconic symbol of the holiday in and of itself, regardless of what you call him. The legend is the same no matter where you go (disclaimer – this statement is not entirely true, but please just bear with me, okay). You know, a fat guy in a red suit with a long white beard who lives at the North Pole with a whole bunch of toy making elves delivers said toys to all the well-behaved children (and sometimes coal to the bad ones) on the entire planet in a single night by flying around in a sleigh pulled by eight (or sometimes nine, if you count Rudolph) reindeer and slides down chimneys to leave these gifts under a tree or stuffed into socks that the family has set up in their living rooms. At least that’s the story as most of us have heard it, right?

Well, I really hate to be the one to have to burst any bubbles, but I feel like it’s my duty to let you all know that if you’ve grown up believing that story, then you’ve been living a lie.

We’ve all been had.

There’s much, much more to this fairy tale than we’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, that is if you put any faith in Mexican schlock writer/director extraordinaire Rene Cardona (Night of the Bloody Apes, Wrestling Women Vs. the Aztec Mummy, many Santo films) and his hard hitting, tell-all version, simply and appropriately titled Santa Claus. Thankfully, Mr. K. Gordon Murray, everyone’s favorite importer of South-of-the-border horror fare, had the right mind to release a poorly dubbed English version in 1960 so that we would all finally be able to learn the truth behind the REAL story of Santa Claus.

Forget about the North Pole, here Santa Claus lives in a crystal castle in outer space (noted as being right ABOVE the North Pole)! And you’ll find no elves here, as Santa helpers are really small groups of racially stereotyped child laborers from around the world, sort of a sweatshop toy factory meets “it’s a small world”.

But while Santa and his young slaves begin to make all the final preparations for the rapidly approaching holiday, his enemies are hard at work in their attempts to thwart his plans to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls of the world. That’s right, I said that Santa Claus has enemies; I bet you didn’t know that, did you? And you’ll never guess who they are – none other than the devil himself, Lucifer, and all his demonic minions (I guess it makes sense if you think about it, if Santa wants kids to be good, but they would obviously prefer them to be bad so…). He sends his #1 demon, Pitch, up from the depths of Hell to act as a negative influence on the Earth’s children and cause chaos, generally mucking things up for Santa in the process.

Much of what follows after this set up is Santa checking in on a few specific children with his super creepy magical instruments of extreme voyeurism like the all-seeing “master eye”, the accompanying “tele-talker”, and the incredibly invasive “dreamscope” (all of which look like crazy reject puppets from Pee Wee’s Playhouse, even though that show wouldn’t be made for another 25 years or so) to weigh in on their behavior and whether or not they’re falling victim to the evil temptations of the dastardly Pitch.

For instance, we watch as poor little Lupita, who wants nothing more than to have a doll of her very own, is subjected to the fiery one’s constant suggestions that she simply steal one, resulting in her having a fantastic nightmarish dream sequence where life size “dolls” dance around her on a fog filled soundstage.

If all of this doesn’t sound crazy enough for you already, well, it just keeps getting better and better.

When Santa finally does set off on his journey, he does so in a sleigh that is really a giant toy pulled by four (terrifying) wind up reindeer that he needs to have back before the sun comes up or they will turn into dust, which would leave him stranded on Earth to starve since he can only eat the “pastries and ice cream made of soft clouds” that are available to him at his palace. He also takes with him a bag of powder that will make people fall asleep and dream of good will and a flower that can turn him invisible, both created by Merlin the Magician, apparently a good friend of Santa’s, as well a golden key that will open any lock on any door, which is forged by a weird, shirtless, red headed blacksmith that lives in Santa’s castle.

Eventually he arrives on Earth and starts doing what he does best, fulfilling the wishes of all those who truly deserve it, but as expected he runs into some problems from Pitch, who he finally squares off with, ultimately landing himself in a bit of a pickle. Will he be able to make it back to the safety of his outer space hideout before the sun rises and he is left high and dry?

I’m sure this sounds as if I’m making all of this up, but I assure you, it’s entirely true. In fact, I wish I had made it up, because then I would obviously be a creative genius; a veritable beacon of brilliance forced to live amongst the common man, forever having his absolutely remarkable, albeit insane, imagination misunderstood and second guessed by the limited capacity of their pitifully weak human brains.

Now I don’t know if that’s the case with Cardona, or if he and co-writer Adolfo Torres Portillo (also the author of various Mexican wrestler films) were just hitting the eggnog a little too hard when they sat down to pen this one.

Either way, we can all be thankful that things turned out the way that they did, or otherwise we would never have been graced with Santa Claus – the Christmas classic for all of us who want a little more (or perhaps it’s a little less) from our holiday favorites. It’s a true gem and should be at the top of any “so weird it has to be seen to be believed” trashhound’s wish list, and it’s out there right now sitting in cheapo bargain DVD bins like a diamond in the rough (that’s where I got mine!). So what are you waiting for? Go pick one up and make it a part of your yuletide tradition!

But heed this one final warning - after you learn the REAL facts surrounding the legend, you’ll never be able to believe in Santa Claus the same way again!